Diets

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!1 You walka pasta da bakery.2.. You walka pasta da candy store.3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.You will lose weight!
AND......CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat,here's the final word on nutrition and health.It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Cuckoo?

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And, as she suspected, the million-dollar question was no pushover.Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
A The condor
B. The buzzard
C. The cuckoo
D. The vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. To make matters worse, she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have touse it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But she had no alternative.She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. Theanswer is C: The cuckoo."The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded."I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo.""Is that your final answer?" asked Regis."Yes, that is my final answer."Two minutes later, Regis said , "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for herfamily and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars."Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said thecontestant."Because you knew the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. It was the assuredness with which you answered thequestion that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?""Oh, come on," said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

After honeymoon

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they gotback, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Samstarted using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home...,PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must! tell me what has you so upset. Tell your motherthese horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama.., he used words like: dust, wash,iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

More quotes

>> "People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."> - Abraham Lincoln>
"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your > smile can be the source of your joy."> - Thich Nhat Hahn>
"Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by > dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways."> - Stephen Vincent Benét>
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it."> - Dennis P. Kimbro>
"Don't be afraid to fail because only through failure do you learn to > succeed."> - Unknown> Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you > should have remained a virgin."> -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not > pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but > fine against a wall."> -- Eleanor Roosevelt> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. > I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that > statement.> -- Mark Twain>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good > ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.> -- George Burns>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.> -- Victor Borge>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.> -- Mark Twain>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if > you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.> -- Socrates>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.> -- Groucho Marx>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she > stops to breathe.> -- Jimmy Durante>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.> -- Zsa Zsa Gabor>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food > groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.> -- Alex Levine>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.> -- Rodney Dangerfield> Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.> -- Spike Milligan>
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me > the position.> -- Mark Twain>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.> -- Joe Namath>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.> Then it's time for my nap.> -- Bob Hope>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.> -- W.C. Fields>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.> -- Will Rogers>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you.> -- Winston Churchill>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.> -- Phyllis Diller>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.> -- Billy Crystal>
If we did all the things that we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.> - Thomas Edison>
Everyone has problems, some are just better at hiding them."> - Unknown>
Only by going too far can one possibly find out how far one can go."> - Jon dyer>
People only see what they are prepared to see."> - Ralph Waldo Emerson>
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.> Open your eyes, open your heart and let the wisdom and understanding > flow into you.> Give me a sense of humor, Lord;> Give me the grace to see a joke,> To get some humor out of life,> And pass it on to other folk.

School excuses

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud, if not racked with despair. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a (real) school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT 3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31,32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. 11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T NOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER F ATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT. NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.------------------------------------------------------------------------

EU Spelling lesson

The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

Signs

A friend sent me a listing of funny signs. Here is one:

"At the feast of ego Everyone leaves hungry."
seen at Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

Sermons

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally,shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearlylaughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather atthe River."

The Frog Prince

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes , bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin think so!

How Men think

Remember the movie" What Women Want"? And you know how men always complain they can't figure out how women think. I've been equally puzzled all my life trying to figurer how men think. Some one sent me the following hints:

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

___________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.

_______________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

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This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men

Cowboy's advice

COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
you bounce.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

* If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there with ya.

* Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

* Do not corner something you know is meaner than you.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it
gets, the harder it is to swaller.

* Folks that complain they don't get what they deserve, don't know how
fortunate they are.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with looks
at you in the mirror every mornin'.

* Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.

* Remember: Don't squat with your spurs on.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it
back in.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Keep skunks and politicians and lawyers at a distance.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

* It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.

* Meanness don't jest happen overnight.

Politics

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346
feet above sea level. You are at 31 d degrees, 14.97 minutes north
latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm
still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

Learning prayers

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,

the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.

She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,

right up to the end of the prayer:

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,

"but deliver us from E-mail."

heartbeat

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands
on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take
the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I
finish, it works just like new.

So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks,
when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running"

Heavenly Voicemail

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary
part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God
decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer
it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then
enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code
666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers,
3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other
planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please
hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

Requirements for Congressperson

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He
gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian
drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts
the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the
animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his
shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with
the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning
up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,
anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for
position in United States Congress: Come in, drink
coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean
up, disappear for rest of day."

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in
the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

more irish beer humor

I think the Irish invention is known as Guiness.

When people consume too much they believe they have infinte energy, and when they wake up in the morning they don't remember spending any energy at all.

The Irish festival was last weekend at Hunter Mountain- I am waiting for a report from one of my expert beer drinking friends.....!

Water vs Wine

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of E-coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors)because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling,
filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH

It is better to drink wine and talk shit, than to drink
water and be full of shit.

Office Diversity

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their
diversity.
"You are all part of our team now." said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your
work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's
performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of
you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating
managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat
someone who actually does something!"

Doctor's advice

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. XXXX Show, I have
finally found inner peace. Dr. XXXX proclaimed the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua,
a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some
Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.

Mystical musings

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.

10. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald
men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for
their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is
winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

30. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Good ol' days!

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same
cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get
food poisoning. My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a
brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. (Heck, I learned to swim in a lake at age 3 or 4 did not know what a swimming pool was.)

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE .... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option .. even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.


Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent
bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall my friend from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

Visit to Countryside

Sunday I finally went to see the old home where I lived until 3rd grade in Countryside, in New Providence or Murray Hill. Drove past the old Bell labs , which is now Lucent, which was also unrecognizable.
The house is now owned by Jose Claxton, his wife and their 3 children. They were on their way out when I pulled up, but told me to feel free to look around. It has been well kept over the years, and nicely expanded. Jack O'Grady, living across the street on the corner in the Meyer's old house, showed me around.

Headlines from the year 2029:

· Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's
third language

· Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.

· Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

· Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

· Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon)

· Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

· France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

· Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

· George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

· Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

· 85-years, $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
loss.

· Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

· Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)

· Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

· Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

· Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

· New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

· Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

· IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

· Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Hunting

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the national highest ivilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney. The source was quoted to say " All Americans have wanted to shoot a lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the balls to do it".
In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag a lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license. Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually.

The new "lawyers stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long. The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp" comes at hefty price,
sales have been brisk and it is believed it will generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year. Other states are considering similar hunting license stamps. Be sure to keep in mind the fair chase provisions of lawyer hunting. No hunting within 100 yards of a traffic accident or job injury site as this is considered hunting over a baited field.

more giggles

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available
right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some
changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not
return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots' training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to
keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs
you make.~~~~~
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing
his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said,
"I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like
it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we
passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that,
we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my
son, "We should pray."

>From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't
let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without
forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your
way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer
for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to
find one.

Obituary for the Doughboy

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnov ers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll mod el for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

Age matters?

I'm not this old but it's still funny!
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?" Well... You'll love this one!
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm ...or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high school "yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride."When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "in 1959. Why do you ask?""You were in my class!" I exclaimedHe looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked,"what did you teach?"

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

This is another email which I though was interesting. I checked on break the chain and found some parts to be untrue (which I ommitted from this post.)
Many of our service men and women are going through hard times now so we might do what we can to remember them.

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the
tomb of the Unknowns and why?
21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute, which is the
highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.
2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his
return walk and why?
21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1.

3. Why are his gloves wet?
His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.
4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the times and if not, why not?

He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb.
After his march across the path, he executes an about face
and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.


The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat
and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the
top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt.
members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb

There is lots of information out there, here is someplace to start!
http://www.arlingtoncemetery.net/tombofun.htm

smart women!

here's another one from my friends:
Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so
please

send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not
send

it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn
Smart

Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to
the

grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved

body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the
other,

body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
ride!"

Have a wonderful day !

intelligence test

her's another email: can you read this???

Olny srmat poelpe can.


cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos
not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

modern mysteries

Here's another one of those emails that might be thought provoking- or at least have you laughing!

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.

10. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald
men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for
their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is
winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

30. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?