Sunday, August 27, 2006

Heavenly Voicemail

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary
part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God
decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer
it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then
enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers,
3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other
planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please
hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Requirements for Congressperson

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He
gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian
drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts
the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the
animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his
shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with
the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning
up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for
position in United States Congress: Come in, drink
coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean
up, disappear for rest of day."

Friday, August 25, 2006

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in
the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Monday, August 21, 2006

more irish beer humor

I think the Irish invention is known as Guiness.

When people consume too much they believe they have infinte energy, and when they wake up in the morning they don't remember spending any energy at all.

The Irish festival was last weekend at Hunter Mountain- I am waiting for a report from one of my expert beer drinking friends.....!

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Water vs Wine

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of E-coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors)because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling,
filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop

It is better to drink wine and talk shit, than to drink
water and be full of shit.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Office Diversity

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their
"You are all part of our team now." said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your
work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's
performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of
you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating
managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat
someone who actually does something!"