Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Doctor's advice

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. XXXX Show, I have
finally found inner peace. Dr. XXXX proclaimed the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua,
a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some
Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Mystical musings

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.

10. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for
their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

30. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Good ol' days!

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same
cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get
food poisoning. My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a
brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. (Heck, I learned to swim in a lake at age 3 or 4 did not know what a swimming pool was.)

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE .... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option .. even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent
bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall my friend from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

Monday, July 17, 2006

Visit to Countryside

Sunday I finally went to see the old home where I lived until 3rd grade in Countryside, in New Providence or Murray Hill. Drove past the old Bell labs , which is now Lucent, which was also unrecognizable.
The house is now owned by Jose Claxton, his wife and their 3 children. They were on their way out when I pulled up, but told me to feel free to look around. It has been well kept over the years, and nicely expanded. Jack O'Grady, living across the street on the corner in the Meyer's old house, showed me around.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Headlines from the year 2029:

· Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's
third language

· Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and

· Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

· Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

· Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon)

· Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

· France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

· Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

· George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

· Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

· 85-years, $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight

· Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

· Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)

· Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

· Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

· Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

· New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

· Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

· IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

· Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.