Monday, January 29, 2007

taking it with you

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser". Just before he died, he said to his wife ... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was laid out in the casket; his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She came over with a small metal box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in the casket."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket !?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... if he can cash it, he can spend it."

Saturday, January 27, 2007

more red tape

I did not check this out to see if it is fact or fiction, but it's a good story either way!

Part of rebuilding New Orleans causes residents to often be challenged With the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of Years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, Houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes Making it quite difficult to establish ownership. A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove Satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, Which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, He received the following reply.
(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, We note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared And presented the application, we must point out that you have only Cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the Title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years Covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated Person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, Would Not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, The year of origin Identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land Prior to U.S. Ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it By Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, Who had been granted the privilege of seeking new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful About titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of The Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, Is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, It is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin And His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, The world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Winter's back!

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER December 8 - 6:00 PMIt started to snow. The first snow of the season andthe wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours bythe window watching the huge soft flakes drift downfrom heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I lovesnow!
December 9-We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snowcovering every inch of the landscape. What afantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place inthe whole world? Moving here was the best idea I'veever had! Shovelled for the first time in years andfelt like a boy again. I did both our driveway andthe sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough camealong and covered up the sidewalks and closed in thedriveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfectlife!
December 12-The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such adisappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so muchsnow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to seesnow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob issuch a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14-Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. Thetemperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn'trealize I would have to do quite this much shovelling,but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16-Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17- Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
December 20-Electricity' s back on, but had another 14 inches ofthe damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22-Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 moreinches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel andthen I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23-Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did butI think she's lying.
December 24 -6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've justbeen! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmasc arols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.
December 25-Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damnslop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovellingmakes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then thesnowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26-Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27-Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28-Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 -10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I everheard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30-Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31-I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
January 8-Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Friday, January 05, 2007

More trivia

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left(palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.