DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER December 8 - 6:00 PMIt started to snow. The first snow of the season andthe wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours bythe window watching the huge soft flakes drift downfrom heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I lovesnow!
December 9-We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snowcovering every inch of the landscape. What afantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place inthe whole world? Moving here was the best idea I'veever had! Shovelled for the first time in years andfelt like a boy again. I did both our driveway andthe sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough camealong and covered up the sidewalks and closed in thedriveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfectlife!
December 12-The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such adisappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so muchsnow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to seesnow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob issuch a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14-Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. Thetemperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn'trealize I would have to do quite this much shovelling,but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16-Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17- Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
December 20-Electricity' s back on, but had another 14 inches ofthe damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22-Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 moreinches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel andthen I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23-Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did butI think she's lying.
December 24 -6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've justbeen! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmasc arols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.
December 25-Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damnslop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovellingmakes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then thesnowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26-Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27-Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28-Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 -10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I everheard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30-Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31-I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
January 8-Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?