Cowboy's advice

COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
you bounce.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

* If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there with ya.

* Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

* Do not corner something you know is meaner than you.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it
gets, the harder it is to swaller.

* Folks that complain they don't get what they deserve, don't know how
fortunate they are.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with looks
at you in the mirror every mornin'.

* Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.

* Remember: Don't squat with your spurs on.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it
back in.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Keep skunks and politicians and lawyers at a distance.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

* It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.

* Meanness don't jest happen overnight.

Politics

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346
feet above sea level. You are at 31 d degrees, 14.97 minutes north
latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm
still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

Learning prayers

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,

the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.

She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,

right up to the end of the prayer:

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,

"but deliver us from E-mail."

heartbeat

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands
on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take
the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I
finish, it works just like new.

So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks,
when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running"