ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!1 You walka pasta da bakery.2.. You walka pasta da candy store.3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.You will lose weight!
AND......CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat,here's the final word on nutrition and health.It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
Cuckoo?
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And, as she suspected, the million-dollar question was no pushover.Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
A The condor
B. The buzzard
C. The cuckoo
D. The vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. To make matters worse, she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have touse it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But she had no alternative.She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. Theanswer is C: The cuckoo."The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded."I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo.""Is that your final answer?" asked Regis."Yes, that is my final answer."Two minutes later, Regis said , "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for herfamily and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars."Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said thecontestant."Because you knew the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. It was the assuredness with which you answered thequestion that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?""Oh, come on," said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
A The condor
B. The buzzard
C. The cuckoo
D. The vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. To make matters worse, she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have touse it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But she had no alternative.She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. Theanswer is C: The cuckoo."The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded."I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo.""Is that your final answer?" asked Regis."Yes, that is my final answer."Two minutes later, Regis said , "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for herfamily and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars."Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said thecontestant."Because you knew the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. It was the assuredness with which you answered thequestion that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?""Oh, come on," said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Thursday, November 16, 2006
After honeymoon
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they gotback, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Samstarted using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home...,PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must! tell me what has you so upset. Tell your motherthese horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama.., he used words like: dust, wash,iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Samstarted using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home...,PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must! tell me what has you so upset. Tell your motherthese horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama.., he used words like: dust, wash,iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Monday, November 13, 2006
More quotes
>> "People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."> - Abraham Lincoln>
"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your > smile can be the source of your joy."> - Thich Nhat Hahn>
"Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by > dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways."> - Stephen Vincent Benét>
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it."> - Dennis P. Kimbro>
"Don't be afraid to fail because only through failure do you learn to > succeed."> - Unknown> Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you > should have remained a virgin."> -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not > pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but > fine against a wall."> -- Eleanor Roosevelt> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. > I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that > statement.> -- Mark Twain>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good > ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.> -- George Burns>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.> -- Victor Borge>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.> -- Mark Twain>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if > you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.> -- Socrates>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.> -- Groucho Marx>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she > stops to breathe.> -- Jimmy Durante>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.> -- Zsa Zsa Gabor>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food > groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.> -- Alex Levine>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.> -- Rodney Dangerfield> Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.> -- Spike Milligan>
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me > the position.> -- Mark Twain>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.> -- Joe Namath>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.> Then it's time for my nap.> -- Bob Hope>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.> -- W.C. Fields>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.> -- Will Rogers>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you.> -- Winston Churchill>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.> -- Phyllis Diller>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.> -- Billy Crystal>
If we did all the things that we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.> - Thomas Edison>
Everyone has problems, some are just better at hiding them."> - Unknown>
Only by going too far can one possibly find out how far one can go."> - Jon dyer>
People only see what they are prepared to see."> - Ralph Waldo Emerson>
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.> Open your eyes, open your heart and let the wisdom and understanding > flow into you.> Give me a sense of humor, Lord;> Give me the grace to see a joke,> To get some humor out of life,> And pass it on to other folk.
"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your > smile can be the source of your joy."> - Thich Nhat Hahn>
"Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by > dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways."> - Stephen Vincent Benét>
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it."> - Dennis P. Kimbro>
"Don't be afraid to fail because only through failure do you learn to > succeed."> - Unknown> Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you > should have remained a virgin."> -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not > pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but > fine against a wall."> -- Eleanor Roosevelt> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. > I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that > statement.> -- Mark Twain>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good > ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.> -- George Burns>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.> -- Victor Borge>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.> -- Mark Twain>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if > you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.> -- Socrates>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.> -- Groucho Marx>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she > stops to breathe.> -- Jimmy Durante>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.> -- Zsa Zsa Gabor>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food > groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.> -- Alex Levine>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.> -- Rodney Dangerfield> Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.> -- Spike Milligan>
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me > the position.> -- Mark Twain>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.> -- Joe Namath>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.> Then it's time for my nap.> -- Bob Hope>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.> -- W.C. Fields>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.> -- Will Rogers>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you.> -- Winston Churchill>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.> -- Phyllis Diller>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.> -- Billy Crystal>
If we did all the things that we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.> - Thomas Edison>
Everyone has problems, some are just better at hiding them."> - Unknown>
Only by going too far can one possibly find out how far one can go."> - Jon dyer>
People only see what they are prepared to see."> - Ralph Waldo Emerson>
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.> Open your eyes, open your heart and let the wisdom and understanding > flow into you.> Give me a sense of humor, Lord;> Give me the grace to see a joke,> To get some humor out of life,> And pass it on to other folk.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
School excuses
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud, if not racked with despair. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a (real) school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT 3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31,32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. 11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T NOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER F ATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT. NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.------------------------------------------------------------------------
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT 3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31,32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. 11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T NOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER F ATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT. NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday, November 05, 2006
EU Spelling lesson
The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)