Belgiium trip- day 1

We flew out in the evening of February 26 from Newark, arriving in Cologne the morning of the 27th. No time was wasted gathering the group and heading to Dusseldorf for beer & lunch.
A few of the brew houses we visited before lunch at Uerige to taste the Alt beer:
Schumacher im Goldenen Kessel

Im Weissen Bären for Frankenheim

Schlussel

Fuchschen
The tour and lunch at Uerige were very interesting. We we quite overwhelmed with the delicious pork that served along with copious amounts or beer!
Then it was off to Cologne, a brief time to settle at the hotel, then time for Kolsch!

Travels with beer!

Just back from the Ale St News trip to Belgium! what a blast- more comments soon!

EVE'S STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......... she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?""Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."God thought for a moment and said, " You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

Dogs and Cats!

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary: Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what thismeans, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that hereports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.... for now....

taking it with you

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser". Just before he died, he said to his wife ... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was laid out in the casket; his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She came over with a small metal box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in the casket."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket !?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... if he can cash it, he can spend it."

more red tape

I did not check this out to see if it is fact or fiction, but it's a good story either way!

Part of rebuilding New Orleans causes residents to often be challenged With the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of Years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, Houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes Making it quite difficult to establish ownership. A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove Satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, Which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, He received the following reply.
(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, We note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared And presented the application, we must point out that you have only Cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the Title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years Covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated Person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, Would Not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, The year of origin Identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land Prior to U.S. Ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it By Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, Who had been granted the privilege of seeking new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful About titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of The Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, Is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, It is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin And His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, The world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved

Winter's back!

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER December 8 - 6:00 PMIt started to snow. The first snow of the season andthe wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours bythe window watching the huge soft flakes drift downfrom heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I lovesnow!
December 9-We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snowcovering every inch of the landscape. What afantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place inthe whole world? Moving here was the best idea I'veever had! Shovelled for the first time in years andfelt like a boy again. I did both our driveway andthe sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough camealong and covered up the sidewalks and closed in thedriveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfectlife!
December 12-The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such adisappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so muchsnow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to seesnow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob issuch a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14-Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. Thetemperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn'trealize I would have to do quite this much shovelling,but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16-Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17- Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
December 20-Electricity' s back on, but had another 14 inches ofthe damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22-Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 moreinches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel andthen I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23-Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did butI think she's lying.
December 24 -6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've justbeen! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmasc arols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.
December 25-Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damnslop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovellingmakes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then thesnowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26-Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27-Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28-Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 -10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I everheard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30-Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31-I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
January 8-Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

More trivia

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left(palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Diets

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!1 You walka pasta da bakery.2.. You walka pasta da candy store.3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.You will lose weight!
AND......CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat,here's the final word on nutrition and health.It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Cuckoo?

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And, as she suspected, the million-dollar question was no pushover.Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
A The condor
B. The buzzard
C. The cuckoo
D. The vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. To make matters worse, she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have touse it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But she had no alternative.She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. Theanswer is C: The cuckoo."The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded."I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo.""Is that your final answer?" asked Regis."Yes, that is my final answer."Two minutes later, Regis said , "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for herfamily and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars."Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said thecontestant."Because you knew the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. It was the assuredness with which you answered thequestion that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?""Oh, come on," said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

After honeymoon

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they gotback, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Samstarted using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home...,PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must! tell me what has you so upset. Tell your motherthese horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama.., he used words like: dust, wash,iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

More quotes

>> "People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."> - Abraham Lincoln>
"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your > smile can be the source of your joy."> - Thich Nhat Hahn>
"Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by > dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways."> - Stephen Vincent Benét>
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it."> - Dennis P. Kimbro>
"Don't be afraid to fail because only through failure do you learn to > succeed."> - Unknown> Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you > should have remained a virgin."> -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not > pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but > fine against a wall."> -- Eleanor Roosevelt> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. > I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that > statement.> -- Mark Twain>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good > ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.> -- George Burns>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.> -- Victor Borge>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.> -- Mark Twain>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if > you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.> -- Socrates>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.> -- Groucho Marx>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she > stops to breathe.> -- Jimmy Durante>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.> -- Zsa Zsa Gabor>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food > groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.> -- Alex Levine>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.> -- Rodney Dangerfield> Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.> -- Spike Milligan>
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me > the position.> -- Mark Twain>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.> -- Joe Namath>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.> Then it's time for my nap.> -- Bob Hope>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.> -- W.C. Fields>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.> -- Will Rogers>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you.> -- Winston Churchill>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.> -- Phyllis Diller>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.> -- Billy Crystal>
If we did all the things that we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.> - Thomas Edison>
Everyone has problems, some are just better at hiding them."> - Unknown>
Only by going too far can one possibly find out how far one can go."> - Jon dyer>
People only see what they are prepared to see."> - Ralph Waldo Emerson>
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.> Open your eyes, open your heart and let the wisdom and understanding > flow into you.> Give me a sense of humor, Lord;> Give me the grace to see a joke,> To get some humor out of life,> And pass it on to other folk.

School excuses

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud, if not racked with despair. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a (real) school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT 3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31,32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. 11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T NOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER F ATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT. NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.------------------------------------------------------------------------

EU Spelling lesson

The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

Signs

A friend sent me a listing of funny signs. Here is one:

"At the feast of ego Everyone leaves hungry."
seen at Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

Sermons

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally,shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearlylaughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather atthe River."

The Frog Prince

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes , bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin think so!

How Men think

Remember the movie" What Women Want"? And you know how men always complain they can't figure out how women think. I've been equally puzzled all my life trying to figurer how men think. Some one sent me the following hints:

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.

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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.

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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.

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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

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Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

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This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men

Cowboy's advice

COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
you bounce.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

* If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there with ya.

* Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

* Do not corner something you know is meaner than you.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it
gets, the harder it is to swaller.

* Folks that complain they don't get what they deserve, don't know how
fortunate they are.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with looks
at you in the mirror every mornin'.

* Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.

* Remember: Don't squat with your spurs on.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it
back in.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Keep skunks and politicians and lawyers at a distance.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

* It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.

* Meanness don't jest happen overnight.

Politics

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346
feet above sea level. You are at 31 d degrees, 14.97 minutes north
latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm
still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."