heartbeat

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands
on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take
the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I
finish, it works just like new.

So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks,
when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running"

Heavenly Voicemail

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary
part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God
decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer
it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then
enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code
666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers,
3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other
planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please
hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

Requirements for Congressperson

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He
gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian
drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts
the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the
animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his
shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with
the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning
up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,
anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for
position in United States Congress: Come in, drink
coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean
up, disappear for rest of day."

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in
the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

more irish beer humor

I think the Irish invention is known as Guiness.

When people consume too much they believe they have infinte energy, and when they wake up in the morning they don't remember spending any energy at all.

The Irish festival was last weekend at Hunter Mountain- I am waiting for a report from one of my expert beer drinking friends.....!

Water vs Wine

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of E-coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors)because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling,
filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH

It is better to drink wine and talk shit, than to drink
water and be full of shit.

Office Diversity

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their
diversity.
"You are all part of our team now." said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your
work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's
performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of
you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating
managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat
someone who actually does something!"

Doctor's advice

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. XXXX Show, I have
finally found inner peace. Dr. XXXX proclaimed the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua,
a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some
Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.

Mystical musings

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.

10. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald
men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for
their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is
winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

30. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Good ol' days!

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same
cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get
food poisoning. My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a
brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. (Heck, I learned to swim in a lake at age 3 or 4 did not know what a swimming pool was.)

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE .... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option .. even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.


Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent
bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall my friend from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

Visit to Countryside

Sunday I finally went to see the old home where I lived until 3rd grade in Countryside, in New Providence or Murray Hill. Drove past the old Bell labs , which is now Lucent, which was also unrecognizable.
The house is now owned by Jose Claxton, his wife and their 3 children. They were on their way out when I pulled up, but told me to feel free to look around. It has been well kept over the years, and nicely expanded. Jack O'Grady, living across the street on the corner in the Meyer's old house, showed me around.

Headlines from the year 2029:

· Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's
third language

· Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.

· Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

· Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

· Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon)

· Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

· France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

· Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

· George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

· Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

· 85-years, $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
loss.

· Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

· Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)

· Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

· Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

· Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

· New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

· Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

· IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

· Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Hunting

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the national highest ivilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney. The source was quoted to say " All Americans have wanted to shoot a lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the balls to do it".
In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag a lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license. Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually.

The new "lawyers stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long. The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp" comes at hefty price,
sales have been brisk and it is believed it will generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year. Other states are considering similar hunting license stamps. Be sure to keep in mind the fair chase provisions of lawyer hunting. No hunting within 100 yards of a traffic accident or job injury site as this is considered hunting over a baited field.

more giggles

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available
right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some
changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not
return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots' training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to
keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs
you make.~~~~~
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing
his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said,
"I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like
it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we
passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that,
we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my
son, "We should pray."

>From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't
let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without
forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your
way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer
for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to
find one.

Obituary for the Doughboy

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnov ers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll mod el for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

Age matters?

I'm not this old but it's still funny!
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?" Well... You'll love this one!
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm ...or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high school "yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride."When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "in 1959. Why do you ask?""You were in my class!" I exclaimedHe looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked,"what did you teach?"

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

This is another email which I though was interesting. I checked on break the chain and found some parts to be untrue (which I ommitted from this post.)
Many of our service men and women are going through hard times now so we might do what we can to remember them.

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the
tomb of the Unknowns and why?
21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute, which is the
highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.
2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his
return walk and why?
21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1.

3. Why are his gloves wet?
His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.
4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the times and if not, why not?

He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb.
After his march across the path, he executes an about face
and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.


The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat
and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the
top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt.
members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb

There is lots of information out there, here is someplace to start!
http://www.arlingtoncemetery.net/tombofun.htm

smart women!

here's another one from my friends:
Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so
please

send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not
send

it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn
Smart

Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to
the

grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved

body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the
other,

body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
ride!"

Have a wonderful day !

intelligence test

her's another email: can you read this???

Olny srmat poelpe can.


cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos
not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

modern mysteries

Here's another one of those emails that might be thought provoking- or at least have you laughing!

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.

10. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald
men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for
their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is
winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

30. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?