It's ironic. My red lily finally bloomed after waiting a year. But it was worth waiting for- dozens of fiery red blossoms. The last bloom appeared on July 12th, the day I went to CT to visit my friends and the daylily farm.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Knockout Lily
It's ironic. My red lily finally bloomed after waiting a year. But it was worth waiting for- dozens of fiery red blossoms. The last bloom appeared on July 12th, the day I went to CT to visit my friends and the daylily farm.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Waterfalls in the big Apple
I saw something about Waterfalls created in NYC. .. I've been working like a jackrabbit so no time to really read up... went to South Street Seaport the other day and saw two of them!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
anticipation
My friends in CT are day lily masters. My yard is very tiny, I just really have no room. However, three years ago, on the visit to the day lily farm, I just had to buy one. Last year, no blooms. This year I have 7 stems... I'm just waiting for them to burst forth!
Monday, June 02, 2008
Delorenzo's Tomato Pies
One of the reasons I bought my house was the realtor took me out for tomato pie. Not being from Trenton, I had no idea what I was getting back then. What a delicious treat! There are 2 different ones here in town, the best by far is on Hudson street.
Unfortunately, they have cut back on the hours here because they opened a new place outside of town. I am hoping that they don't close the original location on Hudson Street. You can read more reviews here at ZAGAT. If you are in the area please stop and have a wonderful pie! There is nothing quite the same anywhere.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Lost in the woods!
For those of you who know me, you know I frequently have to drive to Atlantic City to work at the strangest hours. This morning, I was really in a tough spot. A lumber yard was burning in Hammonton, and RT 30 was closed..... so I was sent into the dark woods to find my way to work!
About 2 years ago, we had terrible forest fires on another route that I would use, so I finally bought a GARMIN! It paid for itself this morning! I would have never found my way except for my captain telling me which way to go.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Roses galore!
My new coc rose is blooming. It is a burnt orange color and very thorny. I wanted something for infornt of my house, so it's just perfect!
Friday, May 23, 2008
May flowers
The weather here has been spring like- cold and rainy!
But today I finally moved my orchids outside to their summer home. Bought a new one a few weeks ago. It is a very dark purple with vibrant green on the reverse side of the petals. Sorry the picture really does not do it justice.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
spring in NJ
The weather today has been perfectly awful. Cold, rainy- I have the heat on!
But several days ago I was in Milford and saw these beautiful iris blooming!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
That darn squirrel!
Living in the city, we have some pretty tough squirrels. In the past I caught a picture of one of them stealing one of my tomatoes right off the plant!
Well, this time he just left a rotten mess of chewed up orange peel on my porch.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Travel Day
I had a doctor appointment today in Philadelphia. The easiest and fastest way for me to get there is to hop a train right to Center City. The trip down was fine. I shopped a bit at Reading Terminal Market, went for my appointment and then had lunch.
Coming home was not so easy. There were power problems between Holmesburg Junction and New York City. having been stuck on the trian more times than I care for, I opted to take the long way home. I took the PATCO train to Camden, then the River Line light rail which stops 4 blocks from my house. I could have taken the R3 to West Trenton, but would have no way to get home from there except a cab......How lucky I am to have options!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Wild weather
Saturday we had lots of rain. I was running the dinky train form Princeton to Princeton Junction all day. The tracks go over the D&R canal and the tail end of Carnegie Lake. For somereason, the ducks and geese would hang out under the rr bridge. Every time the train would go over, they would all swim and flap away , almost all of them heading east. It was too funny. Sorry I didn't catch abit of video......
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
ipod touch arrived
I've been wanting an iphone for a while but I had service from that certain provider in the past and it just was not that great. So I bought an ipod touch. It just arrived and it is so very cool.
My long time friend Chris Browne is very psychic and drew a picture of me - and posted it his blog. Check it out!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Spring preview
This wonter has been the most strange I can remember. So far, we have had only snow 1 day. Otherwise it's been rain, rain , rain. My first crocus has peeped out. many of the bulbs are poping up, too early.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
my favorite places
One of my favorite places in NYC is The Gingerman. I used to work a couple blocks away, and it was a great haven after work to find some interesting beers. They have 60 taps. The other week I splurged and went twice. They had 3 Philosophers form Ommegang on tap , which is very hard to find. More happy birthday to me!
Saturday, February 02, 2008
A fabulous meal!
A friend treated me to dinner for my birthday. I wanted to go to a restaurant owned by some friends which I had not been to in some time, The Brothers Moon, in Hopewell, New Jersey. What a wonderful meal. The food is really elegant and the portions are quite hearty. Chef Will had a moment to come out of the kitchen and greet all the diners. I really can't describe how delicious every tidbit was, you'll just have to go yourself!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Martha's Set
As part of my birthday celebration, I obtained tickets for The Martha Stewart Show. It was fun. Joey was the best part. The set was impressive, the seats comfortable. Plus, the show was being broadcast live! Here's a view of the set.
Winter blooms
A friend gave me an amaryllis for Christmas. I haven't had one for many years, so it was wonderful to watch it emerge from the bulb and flower.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
NYC sights
I had a day in NYC to walk around. Spotted a gentleman with 3 Scotties! Here's to my Scottie friends!
Monday, December 10, 2007
A better mouse trap
Second mouse was caught. I took him up the Delaware and let him loose at Bull Island. I bought a TOMCAT live capture trap at Lowes. It's a little tube on a pivot so that when the mouse runs in to the food at the far end, it snaps shut without causing any harm. One of the perils of living in a very old house, it's almost impossible to keep them out in the winter, even with the cat!
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Scenes
New Jersey is surprising rural for one of the nation's most populated states. This year I found some of the roads that run through cranberry country. The bogs don't look like much in the summer, but everything changes in the fall. Unfortunately it was a gloomy day and I only had my camera to snap a picture... will have to try for better views next year!
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Animal stuff
Igor had his stitches removed on Tuesday , so he spent a good part of the day washing his face.
The first mouse was caught in the trap, and released about 5 miles away. Hopefully he won't find his way back here...
The first mouse was caught in the trap, and released about 5 miles away. Hopefully he won't find his way back here...
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Visitors
I have a mouse who has invaded my kitchen. Living in a very old house, this is a frequent annoyance when cold weather moves in, so does the mouse.
Unfortunately, Igor, my cat had lost an eye so he is not such a great hunter.
I had a bag of carmel soy crisps and discovered that someone had ripped a big hole in the bottom. I was not me. It was not Igor.
That leaves only one suspect.....!
Unfortunately, Igor, my cat had lost an eye so he is not such a great hunter.
I had a bag of carmel soy crisps and discovered that someone had ripped a big hole in the bottom. I was not me. It was not Igor.
That leaves only one suspect.....!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
thought for the day
I'm reading Gregory Maguire's "Mirror, Mirror"
a thought to ponder:
"Always kill the fatted calf, lest it grow to become a cow and produce in its time a bull who will gore you"
a thought to ponder:
"Always kill the fatted calf, lest it grow to become a cow and produce in its time a bull who will gore you"
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
My Thanksgiving tale
My cat, Igor, has had an eye problem for a while. like glaucoma, it was swollen and had started to become bloody. The only solution was to remove the eye. He had adjusted to losing the eyesight very well and was fine running around the house. He has a heart murmur and is not a young lad , so surgery was a big risk.
Last visit to the vet, I had pretty much decided that surgery was too expensive for such a risky situation, and that I would say goodbye when the situation became too severe.
Saturday morning he did not look too well. I had an important meeting, and said a prayer to make it through the weekend. I had called a very good friend and persuaded them to take me to the Ship Inn, one of my favorite places , for dinner. The food and beer are always very good and I was looking for comfort in the sad situation I was facing.
out of the blue, I spotted some friends I had not seen in almost 2 years at the door! They had stopped 2 other places, and were unable to get dinner, so headed to The Ship. They got a table for dinner, and we joined them for some friendly chat. They told me a story about one of their cats who was almost lost but survived due to an unexplained miracle.
It came to me later that it was divine intervention that brought them to the Ship to save Igor!
He had his surgery Tuesday, is doing very well, and I will bring him home Wednesday.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you
were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to
see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you
were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to
see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
Friday, November 02, 2007
End of summer
I always know when it is the end of summer. I have to bring all my plants that enjoyed the summer out into the house. My orchids, which I bouht as orphans after they had bloomed, surprised me this summer. Three of the 5 have bloomed so far.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Sunsets
Anyone who lives near a body of water knows how marvelous the sunsets can be. I just caught the very end of this on- the hill looked as if it were on fire!
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
New Laws
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your Boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your Boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Monday, September 24, 2007
A Day in Cape May
One of my friends had moved to Cape May about 2 years ago. I had not made the jpurney to visit, until last week. Had the grand tour from bay to Wildwood by auto. A wonderful crabcake dinner, walk on the bay for sunset before my trek back to Trenton.
A wonderful day was had by all!
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Starbucks encounter
One of my friends met the love of his life at Starbucks...Me? well her's my starbucks story.
I was called to work in Atlantic City. Went to the Starbucks by the convention center for a pick-me up. I had my transit id on because there were many police around the station for some reason. Ahead of me in line was a boy, about 6 with his grandfather. He had a "conductor" hat on and a pocket full of seat checks. He spotted my ID and started pointing and tugging at his Grandpa's hand. He could not believe I was an engineer! I have to wonder if he will be able to grow up and still have his dream of working on the trains......
I was called to work in Atlantic City. Went to the Starbucks by the convention center for a pick-me up. I had my transit id on because there were many police around the station for some reason. Ahead of me in line was a boy, about 6 with his grandfather. He had a "conductor" hat on and a pocket full of seat checks. He spotted my ID and started pointing and tugging at his Grandpa's hand. He could not believe I was an engineer! I have to wonder if he will be able to grow up and still have his dream of working on the trains......
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
gifts from nature
Once in a while, my wax plant which I've had for many years, produces a flower. It's unfortunate that you can't smell the chocolate scent that comes with the beautiful blossoms
Monday, September 03, 2007
Sunday, September 02, 2007
visitor
Il ive in the city and have a really tiny garden. Today I was weeding when I noticed this visitor just hanging around.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Herbie Hancock at the Count Basie Theater
Went to Red Bank Tuesday night for the Herbie Hancock concert. I am always amazed by the diversity of his audience- young and old of all nationalities.
The concert was amazing. I have never been disappointed in any of his appearances that I have been able to attend. The whole audience was on their feet and dancing
for the encore.
read more:
www.herbiehancock.com
also be sure to check out Herbie on myspace!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Save the wolves!
I have just learned of the assault on the wolves by the current administration.
Read about it here:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/120490287
Read about it here:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/120490287
Thursday, June 14, 2007
outer limits?
Several weeks ago, we had some forest fires in the jersey pinelands. Sometimes I got to work right through the area. Stopped today and took some pictures. Like a scene from another planet....
Monday, June 11, 2007
near perfection
I came home today and inspected my garden- found this almost perfect rose bloom. Too bad you can't smell it as well!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Dave Brubeck concert
Dave Brubeck is coming to the Trenton Patriots Theatre at the War Memorial on June 8th.
I grew up mostly in Wilton , Ct, where Dave lived with his family, and gave concerts yearly to benefit the schools.
Recently, I've seen him at the Newport Jazz Festival. Don't miss this concert! He is still a one of a kind player.
I grew up mostly in Wilton , Ct, where Dave lived with his family, and gave concerts yearly to benefit the schools.
Recently, I've seen him at the Newport Jazz Festival. Don't miss this concert! He is still a one of a kind player.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Don Juan
My Don Juan rose this year is just spectacular right now. ... covered with hundreds of blossoms!
Monday, May 21, 2007
gardens
My garden is tiny, but the plants just love it! ( so do the weeds....sigh)
Here are my beautiful iris, which were given to me by a very good friend!
Friday, May 04, 2007
Prius Owners meet!
We had another NJ Prius owners meet last week!
This was at the Blue Rock in Keyport. I dorve round and round because the directions from the computer leave much to br deisred.
The prize goes to finman for coming all the way from Harrisburg PA! Dan came from DC and Trevor & Angel from Staten Island.
I believe a good time was had by all!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
new words
For working people or for those who can still remember what it was like to work. NEW WORDS FOR 2007 : Essential vocabulary additions for theworkplace (and elsewhere)!!!
1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise,craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorbsuccess and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than workinghard.
4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed outand whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning justabove the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web errorMessage "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not belocated.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send onanemotionally angry email to your boss by mistake).
18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise,craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorbsuccess and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than workinghard.
4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed outand whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning justabove the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web errorMessage "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not belocated.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send onanemotionally angry email to your boss by mistake).
18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
A Tale of Two Houses
Whether or not this is true, it is something for us all to consider:
1: The four-bedroom home was planned so that "every room has a relationship with something in the landscape that's different from the room next door. Each of the rooms feels like a slightly different place."
The resulting single-story house is a paragon of environmental planning. The passive-solar house is built of honey-colored nativelimestone and positioned to absorb winter sunlight, warming the interior walkways and walls of the 4,000-square-foot residence. Geothermal heat pumps circulate water through pipes buried 300 feet deep in the ground. These waters pass through a heat exchange system that keeps the home warm in winter and cool in summer. A 25,000-gallon underground cistern collects rainwater gathered from roof urns; wastewater from sinks, toilets, and showers cascades into underground purifying tanks and is also funneled into the cistern.
The water from the cistern is then used to irrigate the landscaping around the four-bedroom home, (which) uses indigenous grasses, shrubs, and flowers to complete the exterior treatment of the home. In addition to its minimal environmental impact, the look and layout of the house reflect one of the paramount priorities: relaxation. A spacious 10-foot porch wraps completely around the residence and beckons the family outdoors. With few hallways to speak of, family and guests make their way from room to room either directly or by way of the porch. "The house doesn't hold you in. Where the porch ends there is grass. There is no step-up at all." This house consumes 25% of the energy of an average American home.
(Source: Cowboys and Indians Magazine, Oct. 2002 and Chicago Tribune April 2001.)
House 2: This 20-room, 8-bathroom house consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year. The average household in America consumes 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, according to the Department of Energy. In 2006, this house devoured nearly 221,000 kWh, more than 20 times the national average. Last August alone, the house burned through 22,619 kWh, guzzling more than twice the electricity in one month than an average American family uses in an entire year. As a result of this energy consumption, the average monthly electric bill topped $1,359. Also, natural gas bills for this house and guest house averaged $1,080 per month last year. In total, this house had nearly $30,000 in combined electricity and natural gas bills for 2006.
1: The four-bedroom home was planned so that "every room has a relationship with something in the landscape that's different from the room next door. Each of the rooms feels like a slightly different place."
The resulting single-story house is a paragon of environmental planning. The passive-solar house is built of honey-colored nativelimestone and positioned to absorb winter sunlight, warming the interior walkways and walls of the 4,000-square-foot residence. Geothermal heat pumps circulate water through pipes buried 300 feet deep in the ground. These waters pass through a heat exchange system that keeps the home warm in winter and cool in summer. A 25,000-gallon underground cistern collects rainwater gathered from roof urns; wastewater from sinks, toilets, and showers cascades into underground purifying tanks and is also funneled into the cistern.
The water from the cistern is then used to irrigate the landscaping around the four-bedroom home, (which) uses indigenous grasses, shrubs, and flowers to complete the exterior treatment of the home. In addition to its minimal environmental impact, the look and layout of the house reflect one of the paramount priorities: relaxation. A spacious 10-foot porch wraps completely around the residence and beckons the family outdoors. With few hallways to speak of, family and guests make their way from room to room either directly or by way of the porch. "The house doesn't hold you in. Where the porch ends there is grass. There is no step-up at all." This house consumes 25% of the energy of an average American home.
(Source: Cowboys and Indians Magazine, Oct. 2002 and Chicago Tribune April 2001.)
House 2: This 20-room, 8-bathroom house consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year. The average household in America consumes 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, according to the Department of Energy. In 2006, this house devoured nearly 221,000 kWh, more than 20 times the national average. Last August alone, the house burned through 22,619 kWh, guzzling more than twice the electricity in one month than an average American family uses in an entire year. As a result of this energy consumption, the average monthly electric bill topped $1,359. Also, natural gas bills for this house and guest house averaged $1,080 per month last year. In total, this house had nearly $30,000 in combined electricity and natural gas bills for 2006.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Belgiium trip- day 1
We flew out in the evening of February 26 from Newark, arriving in Cologne the morning of the 27th. No time was wasted gathering the group and heading to Dusseldorf for beer & lunch.
A few of the brew houses we visited before lunch at Uerige to taste the Alt beer:
Schumacher im Goldenen Kessel
Im Weissen Bären for Frankenheim
Schlussel
Fuchschen
The tour and lunch at Uerige were very interesting. We we quite overwhelmed with the delicious pork that served along with copious amounts or beer!
Then it was off to Cologne, a brief time to settle at the hotel, then time for Kolsch!
A few of the brew houses we visited before lunch at Uerige to taste the Alt beer:
Schumacher im Goldenen Kessel
Im Weissen Bären for Frankenheim
Schlussel
Fuchschen
The tour and lunch at Uerige were very interesting. We we quite overwhelmed with the delicious pork that served along with copious amounts or beer!
Then it was off to Cologne, a brief time to settle at the hotel, then time for Kolsch!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Travels with beer!
Just back from the Ale St News trip to Belgium! what a blast- more comments soon!
EVE'S STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......... she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?""Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."God thought for a moment and said, " You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......... she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?""Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."God thought for a moment and said, " You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
Friday, February 09, 2007
Dogs and Cats!
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary: Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what thismeans, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that hereports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.... for now....
8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary: Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what thismeans, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that hereports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.... for now....
Monday, January 29, 2007
taking it with you
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser". Just before he died, he said to his wife ... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was laid out in the casket; his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She came over with a small metal box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in the casket."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket !?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... if he can cash it, he can spend it."
Well, he died.
He was laid out in the casket; his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She came over with a small metal box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in the casket."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket !?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... if he can cash it, he can spend it."
Saturday, January 27, 2007
more red tape
I did not check this out to see if it is fact or fiction, but it's a good story either way!
Part of rebuilding New Orleans causes residents to often be challenged With the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of Years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, Houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes Making it quite difficult to establish ownership. A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove Satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, Which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, He received the following reply.
(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, We note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared And presented the application, we must point out that you have only Cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the Title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years Covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated Person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, Would Not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, The year of origin Identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land Prior to U.S. Ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it By Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, Who had been granted the privilege of seeking new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful About titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of The Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, Is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, It is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin And His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, The world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved
Part of rebuilding New Orleans causes residents to often be challenged With the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of Years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, Houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes Making it quite difficult to establish ownership. A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove Satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, Which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, He received the following reply.
(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, We note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared And presented the application, we must point out that you have only Cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the Title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years Covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated Person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, Would Not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, The year of origin Identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land Prior to U.S. Ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it By Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, Who had been granted the privilege of seeking new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful About titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of The Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, Is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, It is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin And His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, The world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Winter's back!
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER December 8 - 6:00 PMIt started to snow. The first snow of the season andthe wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours bythe window watching the huge soft flakes drift downfrom heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I lovesnow!
December 9-We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snowcovering every inch of the landscape. What afantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place inthe whole world? Moving here was the best idea I'veever had! Shovelled for the first time in years andfelt like a boy again. I did both our driveway andthe sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough camealong and covered up the sidewalks and closed in thedriveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfectlife!
December 12-The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such adisappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so muchsnow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to seesnow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob issuch a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14-Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. Thetemperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn'trealize I would have to do quite this much shovelling,but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16-Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17- Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
December 20-Electricity' s back on, but had another 14 inches ofthe damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22-Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 moreinches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel andthen I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23-Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did butI think she's lying.
December 24 -6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've justbeen! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmasc arols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.
December 25-Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damnslop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovellingmakes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then thesnowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26-Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27-Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28-Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 -10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I everheard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30-Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31-I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
January 8-Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
December 9-We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snowcovering every inch of the landscape. What afantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place inthe whole world? Moving here was the best idea I'veever had! Shovelled for the first time in years andfelt like a boy again. I did both our driveway andthe sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough camealong and covered up the sidewalks and closed in thedriveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfectlife!
December 12-The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such adisappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so muchsnow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to seesnow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob issuch a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14-Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. Thetemperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn'trealize I would have to do quite this much shovelling,but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16-Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17- Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
December 20-Electricity' s back on, but had another 14 inches ofthe damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22-Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 moreinches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel andthen I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23-Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did butI think she's lying.
December 24 -6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've justbeen! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmasc arols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.
December 25-Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damnslop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovellingmakes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then thesnowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26-Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27-Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28-Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 -10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I everheard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30-Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31-I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
January 8-Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Friday, January 05, 2007
More trivia
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left(palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left(palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Diets
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!1 You walka pasta da bakery.2.. You walka pasta da candy store.3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.You will lose weight!
AND......CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat,here's the final word on nutrition and health.It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
AND......CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat,here's the final word on nutrition and health.It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Cuckoo?
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And, as she suspected, the million-dollar question was no pushover.Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
A The condor
B. The buzzard
C. The cuckoo
D. The vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. To make matters worse, she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have touse it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But she had no alternative.She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. Theanswer is C: The cuckoo."The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded."I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo.""Is that your final answer?" asked Regis."Yes, that is my final answer."Two minutes later, Regis said , "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for herfamily and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars."Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said thecontestant."Because you knew the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. It was the assuredness with which you answered thequestion that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?""Oh, come on," said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
A The condor
B. The buzzard
C. The cuckoo
D. The vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. To make matters worse, she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have touse it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But she had no alternative.She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. Theanswer is C: The cuckoo."The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded."I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo.""Is that your final answer?" asked Regis."Yes, that is my final answer."Two minutes later, Regis said , "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for herfamily and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars."Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said thecontestant."Because you knew the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. It was the assuredness with which you answered thequestion that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?""Oh, come on," said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Thursday, November 16, 2006
After honeymoon
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they gotback, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Samstarted using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home...,PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must! tell me what has you so upset. Tell your motherthese horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama.., he used words like: dust, wash,iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Samstarted using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home...,PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must! tell me what has you so upset. Tell your motherthese horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama.., he used words like: dust, wash,iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Monday, November 13, 2006
More quotes
>> "People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."> - Abraham Lincoln>
"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your > smile can be the source of your joy."> - Thich Nhat Hahn>
"Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by > dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways."> - Stephen Vincent Benét>
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it."> - Dennis P. Kimbro>
"Don't be afraid to fail because only through failure do you learn to > succeed."> - Unknown> Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you > should have remained a virgin."> -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not > pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but > fine against a wall."> -- Eleanor Roosevelt> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. > I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that > statement.> -- Mark Twain>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good > ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.> -- George Burns>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.> -- Victor Borge>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.> -- Mark Twain>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if > you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.> -- Socrates>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.> -- Groucho Marx>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she > stops to breathe.> -- Jimmy Durante>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.> -- Zsa Zsa Gabor>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food > groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.> -- Alex Levine>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.> -- Rodney Dangerfield> Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.> -- Spike Milligan>
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me > the position.> -- Mark Twain>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.> -- Joe Namath>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.> Then it's time for my nap.> -- Bob Hope>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.> -- W.C. Fields>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.> -- Will Rogers>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you.> -- Winston Churchill>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.> -- Phyllis Diller>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.> -- Billy Crystal>
If we did all the things that we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.> - Thomas Edison>
Everyone has problems, some are just better at hiding them."> - Unknown>
Only by going too far can one possibly find out how far one can go."> - Jon dyer>
People only see what they are prepared to see."> - Ralph Waldo Emerson>
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.> Open your eyes, open your heart and let the wisdom and understanding > flow into you.> Give me a sense of humor, Lord;> Give me the grace to see a joke,> To get some humor out of life,> And pass it on to other folk.
"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your > smile can be the source of your joy."> - Thich Nhat Hahn>
"Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by > dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways."> - Stephen Vincent Benét>
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it."> - Dennis P. Kimbro>
"Don't be afraid to fail because only through failure do you learn to > succeed."> - Unknown> Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you > should have remained a virgin."> -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not > pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but > fine against a wall."> -- Eleanor Roosevelt> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. > I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that > statement.> -- Mark Twain>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good > ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.> -- George Burns>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.> -- Victor Borge>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.> -- Mark Twain>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if > you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.> -- Socrates>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.> -- Groucho Marx>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she > stops to breathe.> -- Jimmy Durante>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.> -- Zsa Zsa Gabor>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food > groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.> -- Alex Levine>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.> -- Rodney Dangerfield> Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.> -- Spike Milligan>
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me > the position.> -- Mark Twain>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.> -- Joe Namath>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.> Then it's time for my nap.> -- Bob Hope>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.> -- W.C. Fields>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.> -- Will Rogers>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you.> -- Winston Churchill>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.> -- Phyllis Diller>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.> -- Billy Crystal>
If we did all the things that we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.> - Thomas Edison>
Everyone has problems, some are just better at hiding them."> - Unknown>
Only by going too far can one possibly find out how far one can go."> - Jon dyer>
People only see what they are prepared to see."> - Ralph Waldo Emerson>
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.> Open your eyes, open your heart and let the wisdom and understanding > flow into you.> Give me a sense of humor, Lord;> Give me the grace to see a joke,> To get some humor out of life,> And pass it on to other folk.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
School excuses
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud, if not racked with despair. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a (real) school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT 3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31,32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. 11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T NOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER F ATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT. NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.------------------------------------------------------------------------
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT 3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31,32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. 11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T NOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER F ATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT. NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday, November 05, 2006
EU Spelling lesson
The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Signs
A friend sent me a listing of funny signs. Here is one:
"At the feast of ego Everyone leaves hungry."
seen at Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
"At the feast of ego Everyone leaves hungry."
seen at Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
Monday, October 16, 2006
Sermons
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally,shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearlylaughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather atthe River."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally,shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearlylaughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather atthe River."
Sunday, October 15, 2006
The Frog Prince
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes , bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin think so!
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes , bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin think so!
Saturday, October 07, 2006
How Men think
Remember the movie" What Women Want"? And you know how men always complain they can't figure out how women think. I've been equally puzzled all my life trying to figurer how men think. Some one sent me the following hints:
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
___________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
_______________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
______________________________________________
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
___________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
_______________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
______________________________________________
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Cowboy's advice
COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
you bounce.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
* If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there with ya.
* Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
* Do not corner something you know is meaner than you.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it
gets, the harder it is to swaller.
* Folks that complain they don't get what they deserve, don't know how
fortunate they are.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with looks
at you in the mirror every mornin'.
* Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.
* Remember: Don't squat with your spurs on.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it
back in.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Keep skunks and politicians and lawyers at a distance.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
* It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
* Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
you bounce.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
* If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there with ya.
* Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
* Do not corner something you know is meaner than you.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it
gets, the harder it is to swaller.
* Folks that complain they don't get what they deserve, don't know how
fortunate they are.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with looks
at you in the mirror every mornin'.
* Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.
* Remember: Don't squat with your spurs on.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it
back in.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Keep skunks and politicians and lawyers at a distance.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
* It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
* Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Politics
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346
feet above sea level. You are at 31 d degrees, 14.97 minutes north
latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm
still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346
feet above sea level. You are at 31 d degrees, 14.97 minutes north
latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm
still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Learning prayers
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,
the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail."
the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail."
Sunday, September 03, 2006
heartbeat
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands
on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take
the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I
finish, it works just like new.
So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks,
when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running"
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands
on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take
the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I
finish, it works just like new.
So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks,
when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running"
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Heavenly Voicemail
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary
part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God
decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer
it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then
enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code
666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers,
3 16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other
planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please
hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God
decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer
it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then
enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code
666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers,
3 16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other
planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please
hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Requirements for Congressperson
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He
gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian
drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts
the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the
animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his
shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with
the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning
up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,
anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for
position in United States Congress: Come in, drink
coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean
up, disappear for rest of day."
pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He
gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian
drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts
the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the
animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his
shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with
the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning
up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,
anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for
position in United States Congress: Come in, drink
coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean
up, disappear for rest of day."
Friday, August 25, 2006
Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in
the fog.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in
the fog.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Monday, August 21, 2006
more irish beer humor
I think the Irish invention is known as Guiness.
When people consume too much they believe they have infinte energy, and when they wake up in the morning they don't remember spending any energy at all.
The Irish festival was last weekend at Hunter Mountain- I am waiting for a report from one of my expert beer drinking friends.....!
When people consume too much they believe they have infinte energy, and when they wake up in the morning they don't remember spending any energy at all.
The Irish festival was last weekend at Hunter Mountain- I am waiting for a report from one of my expert beer drinking friends.....!
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Water vs Wine
WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of E-coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors)because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling,
filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH
It is better to drink wine and talk shit, than to drink
water and be full of shit.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors)because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling,
filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH
It is better to drink wine and talk shit, than to drink
water and be full of shit.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Office Diversity
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their
diversity.
"You are all part of our team now." said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your
work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's
performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of
you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating
managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat
someone who actually does something!"
diversity.
"You are all part of our team now." said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your
work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's
performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of
you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating
managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat
someone who actually does something!"
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Doctor's advice
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. XXXX Show, I have
finally found inner peace. Dr. XXXX proclaimed the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua,
a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some
Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
finally found inner peace. Dr. XXXX proclaimed the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua,
a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some
Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Mystical musings
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.
10. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald
men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for
their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is
winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
30. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.
10. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald
men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for
their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is
winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
30. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Good ol' days!
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same
cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get
food poisoning. My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a
brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. (Heck, I learned to swim in a lake at age 3 or 4 did not know what a swimming pool was.)
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE .... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option .. even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent
bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall my friend from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get
food poisoning. My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a
brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. (Heck, I learned to swim in a lake at age 3 or 4 did not know what a swimming pool was.)
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE .... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option .. even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent
bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall my friend from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
Monday, July 17, 2006
Visit to Countryside
Sunday I finally went to see the old home where I lived until 3rd grade in Countryside, in New Providence or Murray Hill. Drove past the old Bell labs , which is now Lucent, which was also unrecognizable.
The house is now owned by Jose Claxton, his wife and their 3 children. They were on their way out when I pulled up, but told me to feel free to look around. It has been well kept over the years, and nicely expanded. Jack O'Grady, living across the street on the corner in the Meyer's old house, showed me around.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Headlines from the year 2029:
· Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's
third language
· Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.
· Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
· Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
· Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon)
· Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
· France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
· Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
· George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
· Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
· 85-years, $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
loss.
· Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
· Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)
· Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
· Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
· Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
· New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
· Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.
· IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
· Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's
third language
· Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.
· Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
· Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
· Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon)
· Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
· France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
· Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
· George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
· Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
· 85-years, $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
loss.
· Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
· Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)
· Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
· Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
· Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
· New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
· Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.
· IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
· Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
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